this is by far, the saddest week of my life. i've shed so many tears already and my heart can not take another cry. i can not be hurt more than i was yesterday...it isn't humanely possible. it was the first time i couldn't stop crying...i couldn't care less of the people around me or what they thought. it was my happiness on the line. but no amount of tears can bring back what i've lost. it was my decision in the first place. i took the risk of deciding...and now, i was left with no one. everything has fallen apart. i thought we were getting along fine, but i was left behind. i decided to return, but there was no one to return to anymore. i have already conditioned myself before that later on, i will get hurt if i continue with this nonsense. i was ready with whatever pain i would have to face.
but no amount of conditioning could level up to the pain i felt yesterday. it was tearing, slicing pain on every part of my body. my soul was frozen with hurt. believe it or not, i was numb all over. i literally could not feel physical pain. i punched the table, but couldn't even feel the cold steel hit my knuckles. i was alarmed... "what's wrong with me??? i have never experienced total physical numbness before..."
this was huge...really huge. i was a wreck. first time in my 21 years on earth, i was a total wreck. even the mere thought of what was happening...of what i had to face later on...was enough to bring me to rivers of tears. my eyes were hurting. the bones of my upper face were painful...probably bruised from crying. i never wanted to feel this way again. for the first time in my life, i, rebecca mary justine p. ongchua , the "strong one" in our family...didn't know what to do.
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