Not Again...

-----what is this??? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??? i thought i'm done with this already. i thought this chapter of my life is through? why can't he just leave me in peace... this guy doesn't know the concept of moderation. i'm always willing to help, you know...but helping him usually has severe consequences...


-----its not the helping part that's bothering me though. its what comes WITH the help that has me in a fix.


-----all those emotions have been locked up and almost forgotten. i promised myself it was only going to be just plain friendship, and nothing more. the line should not be crossed...again. but i never realized just how thin the line is...and how tempting the other side can be.


-----but this time, my conscience is working overtime. people could forgive me after my first offense. but to succumb to it AGAIN? i don't think i'll win anybody's sympathy anymore. i would even be angry at me if i did it. its just that there's something between us that still hasn't extinguished. something so strong that even we ourselves can't fight it. that, or i'm easily played.


-----that afternoon is as far as i will go. i have been given a second chance already, and i'm pretty sure there isn't a third. i could feel the Lord saying, "Haven't you learned anything yet? I answered your prayers last time, don't expect me to pity you again"... well, maybe the Lord isn't that brutal...but you get the picture.


-----at least now, i can control what i'm feeling by going through facts. the pain and deception from the past and the bothering details of the present. details like his suspiciously timed seduction, his sudden passionate interest, his preference for a different mobile network (a private understanding)...and the fact that even though i may be the only woman in the world to give up anything for him, he will always be hers, and she, his.


-----i'm very happy with my own beau now. i can not risk another tumultuous phase which might destroy our relationship altogether. maybe its just because i haven't really healed from the rejection yet. i don't know.


  ---one thing i do know though, is that he will never love anyone else but her. and i will always be a friend with benefits... i will never be respected in his company, although he has tried so hard to make it SEEM that i am someone special. this will be the last time i give in to pity... and the last time i give in to my weakness of being attracted to him. no more.


.....


no more.