too many thoughts. i have a long list of overdue stuff to do and i have the luxury of time to finish all those, and them some. but still the list remains untouched, and i'm getting very idle. don't get me wrong here, its nice that i can tinker with the PC and read my books and sleep. but there's this little voice that's nagging me saying "you should be out there working, they're all out there while you're still loafing around...that medal is useless". but i wanna give myself a break, you know. i've been working my butt off for the past couple of years and maybe i'm entitled to a few months of rest. but still, that voice won't leave me alone. actually, i have a few very important stuff to finish. that wedding video i promised last year isn't even half done. those pictures in my galleries aren't organized yet. the songs in the PC still need to be edited and arranged. the college trash in my room remains to be college trash in that gloomy corner...complete with a dust bunny, and most probably dust bunny jr. i still have to categorize my growing pile of books and find room for...well, i can't remember right now. so much to do, so much time. simply no motivation.
i simply can not stay at home for one week straight. i have to get out at least twice a week. wednesdays to check up on school, and saturdays to spend time with my beau. i get sick if i don't go out. literally. my body is used to going places and seeing faces. i'm even tingling at the thought of another wednesday tomorrow. i can just hang out at my favorite cafe and read a book. i can do that at home, but its different when you're some place else. my body feels renewed after a day out. i don't care where...just, out.
i'm itching to work already. its hard living without a constant flow of dough, especially when there are too many good books around. i've already eyed two of them at the bookstore at SM. one is THE PACT - a story about a group of four (oohh, frenchies!) and a murder (oohh, definitely frenchies!). the other has justine written all over it. FIVE-MINUTE MYSTERIES - you solve the crimes. problem sir...each book costs over a hundred pesos. and judging from my current dismal monetary situation, even one book is out of the question. it seems that graduation has stripped me of my hide to ask for money from the folks. that's why i need THE WORK. but THE WORK still has me on a short leash. patience is starting to be my most common virtue these days.
oh, and another addition to my very desolate financial life right now, is the fact that i still owe matey (fondly called as the L. HOYLE Scholarship Fund of New South Wales) the 30,000 he gave me for my law tuition. i only have a balance of 5,000, taking into account the good samaritan acts i've lately made. some people badly needed the money. (tolens, yours isn't part of this, that, i got from my personal account, so no worries:) and since the bulk of it was supposed to be paid around august and october in time for midterms and finals, it didn't pose as much of a problem. but since i withdrew from the course faster than atty. san jose could swipe my namecard for another brutal civil code attack...then the money needed to be returned to sender earlier than expected. i'm praying these people will hurry up with their get-rich-quick schemes and pay me before i'll be made to walk the plank. there's the 5,000, then the 15,000...and the 10,000 i personally owe the fund. don't ask where all that went. i enjoyed the money and i don't regret using it for that purpose. i'm still racking my brain where to dig up at least 6,000 since i've already solved a half of the 10 grand. oh happy day. it couldn't get more bleak than this. for me, that is.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Monday, July 10, 2006
An Affair To Remember
i was once asked about my thoughts on infidelity. i pretended not to hear the question. dead air. my mind was busy drifting off to that flat-colored 1957 film with Deborah Kerr in the arms of the charming Cary Grant while on that romantic yacht...both of them forcing their own fiancees out of their minds to enjoy this very limited time with one another. An Affair To Remember. it seemed like a very romantic idea back then...but it packs one hell of a reality punch these days.
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how does one define an "affair" anyway? does it have to last a long time to be called as such? is it based on the long-term effect it has on both parties? is it really synonymous to cheating? and why do i always get this queasy feeling in my gut whenever i think about it?
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try watching those cheesy Cinema One or Pinoy Box Office romance flicks where you can practically predict the dialogue of each scene. my cousin loves to watch them because it gives her a good laughing session. "this beats comedy flicks!", she always says. corny. but really...everything on the telly, from the cursing-each-other-under-the-rain part, to the crying-embracing-kissing-i'm sorry part...is weirdly familiar...don't you think? oh yeah...deny it all you want pinocchio. you've been there too. only, when you were in that exact same situation, it didn't seem corny at all. that's what you call real life. reality influences the screen or screen influences reality, doesn't matter. stuff you see on tv, really happens.
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point ma'am?
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ok, let's say you're in a very committed relationship. then watch movies like the one with Cary Grant, or Bridges of Madison County... romantic. but you couldn't picture yourself doing that because you love your beau so much...right?...right??? well let me tell you honey, its a whole different thing when you come face to face with it. all the "right-thing-to-do"'s fly out the window. everything comes to a complete standstill...and you're in big trouble.
----------
there is someone out there who can attract the pecans out of you, testing your willpower to the fullest. someday, you'll meet him or her. unfortunately, i met him earlier than expected. the whole thing clouded my judgement and almost ruined everything and everyone i held dear. good thing the sun came in the nick of time. the monks weren't very keen on me hybernating in their turf anyway.
----------
seriously, when you are faced with that dilemma, it eats you up. whatever decision you make will always affect you in practically every aspect of your life. sure, you can sneak around and not get caught. (if you get caught, you're stupid. even sneaking around needs a brilliant mind). its easy not to get caught these days with all the new hotels at cheap rates and motels at god-forsaken places. it could last for a month or a year. then both of you can just forget about it and move on with your rightful partners who, by the way, you have just turned into suckers. easy.
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damn wrong. with everything said and done and finished...there is one thing you will always forget when you get caught in the fun and heat of the moment. the emotional tie-down. like it or not, you will like this person. after being with your lover for a considerable amount of time, you will start to fall in love. unless you take orders from an implanted brain chip, love will happen. and that my friends, is when you're in deep crap. it may be a piece of chiffon cake to break it off once the guilt starts to set in, but it takes more than that to break that emotional bond. the best thing to do at this point is never see each other for about...hmm...5 years???
----------
why? because you've already become gun powder and fire. its not sparks anymore. try new year's eve. you may not be able to keep your hands (or lips!) off each other. forget it. catching up over coffee is only asking for trouble.
----------
things may vary for other people, but it ultimately boils down to the fact that an affair, no matter how thrilled, light-headed, or cloud-niney you may feel, is a headache. it takes effort, and guts...and most of time, it also costs you the people you love and who love you.
----------
ask me again on my thoughts on infidelity. i still will pretend not to hear you. but i'll tell you one thing...its an alluring concept ...with a lifetime of consequences to deal with.
----------
how does one define an "affair" anyway? does it have to last a long time to be called as such? is it based on the long-term effect it has on both parties? is it really synonymous to cheating? and why do i always get this queasy feeling in my gut whenever i think about it?
----------
try watching those cheesy Cinema One or Pinoy Box Office romance flicks where you can practically predict the dialogue of each scene. my cousin loves to watch them because it gives her a good laughing session. "this beats comedy flicks!", she always says. corny. but really...everything on the telly, from the cursing-each-other-under-the-rain part, to the crying-embracing-kissing-i'm sorry part...is weirdly familiar...don't you think? oh yeah...deny it all you want pinocchio. you've been there too. only, when you were in that exact same situation, it didn't seem corny at all. that's what you call real life. reality influences the screen or screen influences reality, doesn't matter. stuff you see on tv, really happens.
----------
point ma'am?
----------
ok, let's say you're in a very committed relationship. then watch movies like the one with Cary Grant, or Bridges of Madison County... romantic. but you couldn't picture yourself doing that because you love your beau so much...right?...right??? well let me tell you honey, its a whole different thing when you come face to face with it. all the "right-thing-to-do"'s fly out the window. everything comes to a complete standstill...and you're in big trouble.
----------
there is someone out there who can attract the pecans out of you, testing your willpower to the fullest. someday, you'll meet him or her. unfortunately, i met him earlier than expected. the whole thing clouded my judgement and almost ruined everything and everyone i held dear. good thing the sun came in the nick of time. the monks weren't very keen on me hybernating in their turf anyway.
----------
seriously, when you are faced with that dilemma, it eats you up. whatever decision you make will always affect you in practically every aspect of your life. sure, you can sneak around and not get caught. (if you get caught, you're stupid. even sneaking around needs a brilliant mind). its easy not to get caught these days with all the new hotels at cheap rates and motels at god-forsaken places. it could last for a month or a year. then both of you can just forget about it and move on with your rightful partners who, by the way, you have just turned into suckers. easy.
----------
damn wrong. with everything said and done and finished...there is one thing you will always forget when you get caught in the fun and heat of the moment. the emotional tie-down. like it or not, you will like this person. after being with your lover for a considerable amount of time, you will start to fall in love. unless you take orders from an implanted brain chip, love will happen. and that my friends, is when you're in deep crap. it may be a piece of chiffon cake to break it off once the guilt starts to set in, but it takes more than that to break that emotional bond. the best thing to do at this point is never see each other for about...hmm...5 years???
----------
why? because you've already become gun powder and fire. its not sparks anymore. try new year's eve. you may not be able to keep your hands (or lips!) off each other. forget it. catching up over coffee is only asking for trouble.
----------
things may vary for other people, but it ultimately boils down to the fact that an affair, no matter how thrilled, light-headed, or cloud-niney you may feel, is a headache. it takes effort, and guts...and most of time, it also costs you the people you love and who love you.
----------
ask me again on my thoughts on infidelity. i still will pretend not to hear you. but i'll tell you one thing...its an alluring concept ...with a lifetime of consequences to deal with.
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