*****my entrance to college was something short of a duel between me and my family. "psychology or devcom", i asked. "commerce or nursing", they replied. after being drilled everyday, i almost conceded. almost.
*****four years being a devcom student earned me continuous comments at home. i didn't mind them. i loved devcom. and my talents coincided with what devcom had to offer. no one made any comments anymore during my graduation. they were busy clapping when i stepped onstage to receive my medal.
*****relatives had gone home, adrenaline rush over...now what? i hated being idle. and that's when the idea of my childhood dream came back to me. law school.
*****up until my fourth year in highschool, i always filled up autograph books with "AMBITION: i want to be a successful lawyer someday." i really didn't know what being a lawyer meant...or what it took. i just knew it would earn me big bucks like what my brother was earning. he's a great lawyer i tell you. an inspiration.
*****it felt so priviledged to be part of this group of professional students, to be "power dressing", to be pursuing higher education... it was exciting...at first.
*****the teachers weren't my problem. most were sadists and wanted at least half of the students to be in tears after the class. i get scared easily, but i don't back down from a fight. so during class, i silently say, "bring it on".
*****no, they weren't my problem. the fear wasn't as well. it was the whole law thing. i didn't want to become a lawyer anymore. it wasn't really getting to me. i found the books very informational and interesting. i could simply read them without pressure. i don't need to be in class to learn law. the professors won't answer my questions anyway. i'm not enjoying a single minute of class. i enjoy reading the books, but class... well... i guess this really isn't for me.
*****quitting would be a snap. or so i thought. there were so many people to consider. and that was what was wrong with me. i rely too much on what others say or might say. its destroying my power to choose. a certain exasperated person told me one night, "for once in your life justine, decide for yourself, not for others. this is you, this is your happiness..." i of all people should know that. there were many instances, countless instances in fact when i went my own way. but it seemed that to things which mattered most, i look to other people for help. i allow myself to be subjected to other people's scrutiny and follow what they think is "best" for me. they say i'm weak, i say, really?...and allow myself to believe that i might be weak, although deep inside, i know i'm a figther.
*****so what do i want?... i don't know. i really want to give this up, but i'm not that type of person. i guess what he told me was true after all. i can't accept defeat, even though i suffer because of pride. i'm not good at this...and its killing me.
*****friggin hell, you know what i want??? i want to learn the law, at my own pace, sitting on my bed, eating frosted flakes, and actually digesting both the cereal and civil law. i want to teach video and evaluation of educom media at xu devcom. i want to edit videos. if i am to study again, i want to learn more about the field of communication. i want to earn money. and i want time for myself.
*****i don't want to pressure myself into something i'm simply not cut out for. and i don't want people to say that it was a waste to give up law, because its more of a waste if i continue. a waste of brain cells, eye strain, and time. i don't want people to see me as a quitter...because its a feat to turn your back on a certain priviledge and accept that no matter how capable you are in all aspects, its not for you.
*****i disappointed myself because i realized its not my line. but really...is it my fault? everything in the world is fair. i can't be good at everything. let other people fulfill their dreams with law. because probably, i just haven't realized that i've already fulfilled mine.
ei... take it easy on yourself... you're not the only one feeling the way you do... we are, in many ways, the same... sometimes you just have to stand your ground and do what you know would make you happy... other people will just applaud you later on when they realize that what you did was right. you're not getting any younger, you should pursue you own happiness kahit once lang... you'll find out that it's all worth the scrutinies (juz like what you've proven wen u graduated in the course that u chose for urself). God bless...
ReplyDeleteSUPER PERSONAL RANT!
ReplyDeleteallow me my 5centavos:
I believe you are brimming with unique & never-ending potential. Remember, all of us are willfully and mindfully created. I pray that you find the path that has *already* been prepared for you, and that "centering yourself in His will" becomes your lifestyle.
Proud of you!