There Are Blessings..And Then Some :)

thank you for being there during my toughest times.  you made my heartbreak seem like a grain of sand on the beach.  you made me smile effortlessly.  talk about right timing!  you make me want to sleep for hours so i can dream of you over and over again.  the mere thought of what we shared during those moments is enough to send me to the moon.  thank you for being there...when the rest of the world couldn't... 

To Be In A Relationship - From Sunday's Homily

[from my dear bro, kim plamor...wise words from the best...thanks bro..]



For married couples and for all those in or contemplating to be in a relationship.


The mass begins as the priest says,


"Let us all be silent, listen to our hearts, deeply listen, and ask that we be given peace that only God can give."


Obviously the message of this evening's mass is marriage. I can begin with jokes on marriage, there are so many of them, but it will only delay this congregation. I cannot give any personal inputs since I have no experience in the matter. I just have some points to share with all of you this evening.


Let me begin. Love is simply not a feeling.


Love endures when all material possessions and superficial feelings of love fade and you are left with pain and hardship, but still you try and do not give up on the other.


Love means trusting the other despite distance and worry.


Love is supposed to better the beloved, helping him/her grow spiritually. Helping one another become more than what the other is separately. To be closer to God.


A Pharisee questioned Jesus and defended that divorce be allowed. "Moses himself cast that law onto us", he said.


Jesus replied, "He made that law for you, because man is a sinner and full of mistakes."


"Love is something that God has made for you and could not be unmade by anything that is of man."


The priest continued...


Love is when man leaves his mother and father to be with his wife. Together they shall become one, they will no longer be separate, they will lose their individuality and become one flesh. They shall no longer be two, but one.


There can be no better definition of what love is than what Jesus himself has revealed to us.


Love requires constant communication, understanding, and patience.


For hopefuls, prepare yourselves well. Do not rush. You will need a strong foundation to make it a successful marriage. Do all that you can to make it last, for you not only to find happiness but fulfillment because marriage is sacrifice and compromise.


There are many ways to solidify a couple's union with one another before marriage. The most important one is seeking the help from the Lord. Only He can assure you of lifelong happiness.


Then, there is the church, not only helping in the preparation of the wedding but helping the couple prepare by offering counsel.


Family is also very important, to get through every trial that lie ahead, not to scare you out of marriage, but to offer support.


Then of course, you need One another, to have and hold in complete trust.


There are no perfect marriages. One can never say that they are perfect for one another in the beginning. Some married couple would say later in their marriage, "he is not the man I married" or " I don't know her anymore".


What is important is growing together. For already married couples, continue with what you have started when you got married.


It's simply the wonder and blessing that goes with marriage, to find the other, be one in God despite the differences. Do whatever you can for one another.


"Let us offer our prayers to those who are wed and will be wed some time in the future."


~ This is the best example the church and the Bible have to offer on Love and Marriage. I posted this simply as a reflection of what has been said that Sunday. It deep but doesn't only pertain about marriage but love in the context of the Bible and based on the ideals of what God wants and has planned for all of us.


Though I may be lacking to some extent to the contents of the homily, the message is still there, hope you can all learn from it and pick up on some of the things that you might have forgotten.


I am so thankful that somehow, God is there for me in the people I meet and the people already with me. No need to mention names. God knows my heart. Thanks to my parents! I appreciate everything that you did and still do for me; for staying together despite the hardships of life and marriage, for nurturing me, and for preparing me for the life that may not always have both of you in it.


I have come to accept all these things and I am very well aware that nothing is ever easy, needing hard work and dedication. I also learned that one should never forget to be thankful. To never forget God and the people whom you love because without either, life would have no meaning. To make time even when there is none. To show concern even with the little things.


Thanks for the haircut, dad. Thanks for paying for it (chuckles). Not everyday I get to spend time with you. I’m with mom most of the time.


Mom, you have been working hard. Those years in Del Monte have been long. I am thankful that you never left for the states. You never left dad, you were there to raise me. I'm grown up now. It is my turn to take care of both of you.


Thanks, kaye. I have never been happier, I have never loved and been loved this way before. What would make me happier is seeing you succeed. I love you.


My prayers are always with you. God Bless you and your family.


For my friends and family, thanks for the support. For helping me understand and come to terms with the facts of life and love.


For my friends in need, heartaches just mean that you need to take it easy, slow things down. Even the heart gets tired, really. Never forget that you too are important in the relationship. Take things in stride because it's time to move on.


One day at a time. From One heartbeat to the next.


Take care.


Always,


Kim

Better To Feel Nothing At All

october 3


i don't know if its karma torturing me for the second time around or perhaps just the way things are going to be from now on.  i still haven't healed from the pain a few months ago, and here comes another one again.  i am so battered already with losing people i love.  especially now when he simply tells me that he wants space and that i shouldn't expect him to come back...  he also added that he isn't sure if he loves me anymore.  just.. like.. that.  he couldn't slap me harder than that, even if he used an iron palm. 


he's leaving me now???  you mean after more than 6 years and with no sign of losing affection, he simply drops me like that???  every single day, my cheeks are wet because of constant tears.  i try to forget it, i try to move on, but when you've really loved someone for that long, it's friggin' hard to even try.  i sleep earlier than usual and get up at about 2pm every afternoon because i know the lesser time i'm awake, the lesser time i have to deal with what's happening.


a part of me is saying that i really should get over him and move on because i've reached my limit in the hurt category.  but another part is saying that why don't you hold on for a bit longer...he might just realize that he made a mistake...  but until when?  i am grasping at straws at what would be the right thing to do.  lately, it's like i'm living in this surreal world and all i do is blankly float...bothered, disoriented, helpless...


a close friend of mine told me last night that no relationship is worth losing yourself to.  i guess he's kinda right...and believe me, i'm trying to see the lighter side of things, but it's just plain hard.  i don't think i lost myself in this relationship.  i'm still justine.  it's just that it wasn't just any relationship...apart from being a partner, he was also my bestfriend.  we have shared so much with each other.  try losing your bestfriend...maybe you'd understand.  this just hurts more.


i need something to get my mind of this...and FAST.

Calm, Cool, Collected...

obvious ba na napaka-silent ng buhay ko ngayon?  its disappointing for you, i know..no rants or raves of any kind right now.  its just pure "hi, i'm still alive".  oh, before i forget, i have a new baby now.  

WHOA!  before you jumping-to-conclusion people take the plunge, its not THAT kind of baby.  hindi pa naman ako naging ganun ka-gaga lately.  baby dog po, as in puppy.  me and my sis (the only die-hard dog lovers in the family) got ourselves a 2-month old standard short-haired brown dachshund!!!  

her mother is a basset-dachshund while her father is a standard dachshund.  she's a biting, nibbling, scratching, clawing bundle of energetic short-haired fluff.. a sausage on legs.  addjob steffi ongchua. 

aside from the fact that she adds to the jobs around the house, her name was actually from our first male dachshund back in cotabato named oddjob (watch james bond's goldfinger and you'll get the idea).  since this one is a female, we put a tail on the "O" and viola!  oh.. and the steffi part?.. let's just say we're kind of tennis buffs too :)

Barya Lang Po

too many thoughts.  i have a long list of overdue stuff to do and i have the luxury of time to finish all those, and them some.  but still the list remains untouched, and i'm getting very idle.  don't get me wrong here, its nice that i can tinker with the PC and read my books and sleep.  but there's this little voice that's nagging me saying "you should be out there working, they're all out there while you're still loafing around...that medal is useless".  but i wanna give myself a break, you know.  i've been working my butt off for the past couple of years and maybe i'm entitled to a few months of rest.  but still, that voice won't leave me alone.  actually, i have a few very important stuff to finish.  that wedding video i promised last year isn't even half done.  those pictures in my galleries aren't organized yet.  the songs in the PC still need to be edited and arranged.  the college trash in my room remains to be college trash in that gloomy corner...complete with a dust bunny, and most probably dust bunny jr.  i still have to categorize my growing pile of books and find room for...well, i can't remember right now.  so much to do, so much time.  simply no motivation.


i simply can not stay at home for one week straight.  i have to get out at least twice a week.  wednesdays to check up on school, and saturdays to spend time with my beau.  i get sick if i don't go out.  literally.  my body is used to going places and seeing faces.  i'm even tingling at the thought of another wednesday tomorrow.  i can just hang out at my favorite cafe and read a book.  i can do that at home, but its different when you're some place else.  my body feels renewed after a day out.  i don't care where...just, out.


i'm itching to work already.  its hard living without a constant flow of dough, especially when there are too many good books around.  i've already eyed two of them at the bookstore at SM.  one is THE PACT - a story about a group of four (oohh, frenchies!) and a murder (oohh, definitely frenchies!).  the other has justine written all over it.  FIVE-MINUTE MYSTERIES - you solve the crimes.  problem sir...each book costs over a hundred pesos.  and judging from my current dismal monetary situation, even one book is out of the question.  it seems that graduation has stripped me of my hide to ask for money from the folks.  that's why i need THE WORK.  but THE WORK still has me on a short leash.  patience is starting to be my most common virtue these days.


oh, and another addition to my very desolate financial life right now, is the fact that i still owe matey (fondly called as the L. HOYLE Scholarship Fund of New South Wales) the 30,000 he gave me for my law tuition.  i only have a balance of 5,000, taking into account the good samaritan acts i've lately made.  some people badly needed the money.  (tolens, yours isn't part of this, that, i got from my personal account, so no worries:) and since the bulk of it was supposed to be paid around august and october in time for midterms and finals, it didn't pose as much of a problem.  but since i withdrew from the course faster than atty. san jose could swipe my namecard for another brutal civil code attack...then the money needed to be returned to sender earlier than expected.  i'm praying these people will hurry up with their get-rich-quick schemes and pay me before i'll be made to walk the plank.  there's the 5,000, then the 15,000...and the 10,000 i personally owe the fund.  don't ask where all that went.  i enjoyed the money and i don't regret using it for that purpose.  i'm still racking my brain where to dig up at least 6,000 since i've already solved a half of the 10 grand.  oh happy day.  it couldn't get more bleak than this.  for me, that is.

sa mga taong ginagawang pang-araw araw na telenobela ang blog ko, salamat sa panahon na binubuhos ninyo... pero sana... atin-atin lang ito.  kung di, lagot ako :)

An Affair To Remember

i was once asked about my thoughts on infidelity.  i pretended not to hear the question.  dead air.  my mind was busy drifting off to that flat-colored 1957 film with Deborah Kerr in the arms of the charming Cary Grant while on that romantic yacht...both of them forcing their own fiancees out of their minds to enjoy this very limited time with one another.  An Affair To Remember.  it seemed like a very romantic idea back then...but it packs one hell of a reality punch these days.

----------

how does one define an "affair" anyway?  does it have to last a long time to be called as such?  is it based on the long-term effect it has on both parties?  is it really synonymous to cheating?  and why do i always get this queasy feeling in my gut whenever i think about it?

----------

try watching those cheesy Cinema One or Pinoy Box Office romance flicks where you can practically predict the dialogue of each scene.  my cousin loves to watch them because it gives her a good laughing session.  "this beats comedy flicks!", she always says.  corny.  but really...everything on the telly, from the cursing-each-other-under-the-rain part, to the crying-embracing-kissing-i'm sorry part...is weirdly familiar...don't you think?  oh yeah...deny it all you want pinocchio.  you've been there too.  only, when you were in that exact same situation, it didn't seem corny at all.  that's what you call real life.  reality influences the screen or screen influences reality, doesn't matter.  stuff you see on tv, really happens. 

----------

point ma'am?

----------

ok, let's say you're in a very committed relationship.  then watch movies like the one with Cary Grant, or Bridges of Madison County... romantic.  but you couldn't picture yourself doing that because you love your beau so much...right?...right???  well let me tell you honey, its a whole different thing when you come face to face with it. all the "right-thing-to-do"'s fly out the window.  everything comes to a complete standstill...and you're in big trouble.

----------

there is someone out there who can attract the pecans out of you, testing your willpower to the fullest.  someday, you'll meet him or her.  unfortunately, i met him earlier than expected.  the whole thing clouded my judgement and almost ruined everything and everyone i held dear.  good thing the sun came in the nick of time.  the monks weren't very keen on me hybernating in their turf anyway.

----------

seriously, when you are faced with that dilemma, it eats you up.  whatever decision you make will always affect you in practically every aspect of your life.  sure, you can sneak around and not get caught. (if you get caught, you're stupid. even sneaking around needs a brilliant mind).  its easy not to get caught these days with all the new hotels at cheap rates and motels at god-forsaken places.  it could last for a month or a year.  then both of you can just forget about it and move on with your rightful partners who, by the way, you have just turned into suckers.  easy.

----------

damn wrong.  with everything said and done and finished...there is one thing you will always forget when you get caught in the fun and heat of the moment.  the emotional tie-down.  like it or not, you will like this person.  after being with your lover for a considerable amount of time, you will start to fall in love.  unless you take orders from an implanted brain chip, love will happen.  and that my friends, is when you're in deep crap.  it may be a piece of chiffon cake to break it off once the guilt starts to set in, but it takes more than that to break that emotional bond.  the best thing to do at this point is never see each other for about...hmm...5 years??? 

----------

why?  because you've already become gun powder and fire.  its not sparks anymore.  try new year's eve.  you may not be able to keep your hands (or lips!) off each other.  forget it.  catching up over coffee is only asking for trouble.

----------

things may vary for other people, but it ultimately boils down to the fact that an affair, no matter how thrilled, light-headed, or cloud-niney you may feel, is a headache.  it takes effort, and guts...and most of time, it also costs you the people you love and who love you.

----------

ask me again on my thoughts on infidelity.  i still will pretend not to hear you.  but i'll tell you one thing...its an alluring concept ...with a lifetime of consequences to deal with.

I AM: justinia

I WANT: to be happy

I WISH: i knew what destiny holds for me

I HATE: it when my plans are messed up

I MISS: college

I FEAR: losing the people i love

I HEAR: FRIENDS on the telly

I REGRET: nothing

I LOVE: traveling

I AM NOT: tall

I DANCE: when no one's looking!!!

I SING: to express my emotions

I CRY: whenever i watch THE NOTEBOOK

I WIN: when i get my way (???)

I LOSE: my patience on pathetic people

I CONFUSE: my life when it gets too boring

I NEED: another vacation
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[YES OR NO]
You keep a diary: yes

You have a secret journal: yes

You set your watch a few minutes ahead: no

You bite your fingernails: no

You believe in love: yes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[DO YOU]
Take a shower everyday: of course

Have a(any) crush(es): a lot

Have any tattoos/where?: none ever since

Piercings/where?: ears

Think you're a health freak: hmm..i watch my health but im not a freak about it

Get along with your parents: yes 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[WHEN YOU SEE THIS NAME YOU THINK OF?]
Ryan: Langga ko

Rob: ka-office nina rech

Heather: a blond girl

Will: and grace???

John: Kneave...handyman namin sa australia

Alex: ung nanligaw kay KC???

Ricky: reyes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[FAVORITE]
NUMBER: 7

COLOR: lavender

DAY: friday

MONTH: december

SONG(s): people are people

FOOD: veggie salad

SEASON: autumn

SPORT: badminton

DRINK: kahlua

VEGGIE: lettuce

FRUIT: apricot

ICE CREAM: coffee crumble

Not Again...

-----what is this??? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??? i thought i'm done with this already. i thought this chapter of my life is through? why can't he just leave me in peace... this guy doesn't know the concept of moderation. i'm always willing to help, you know...but helping him usually has severe consequences...


-----its not the helping part that's bothering me though. its what comes WITH the help that has me in a fix.


-----all those emotions have been locked up and almost forgotten. i promised myself it was only going to be just plain friendship, and nothing more. the line should not be crossed...again. but i never realized just how thin the line is...and how tempting the other side can be.


-----but this time, my conscience is working overtime. people could forgive me after my first offense. but to succumb to it AGAIN? i don't think i'll win anybody's sympathy anymore. i would even be angry at me if i did it. its just that there's something between us that still hasn't extinguished. something so strong that even we ourselves can't fight it. that, or i'm easily played.


-----that afternoon is as far as i will go. i have been given a second chance already, and i'm pretty sure there isn't a third. i could feel the Lord saying, "Haven't you learned anything yet? I answered your prayers last time, don't expect me to pity you again"... well, maybe the Lord isn't that brutal...but you get the picture.


-----at least now, i can control what i'm feeling by going through facts. the pain and deception from the past and the bothering details of the present. details like his suspiciously timed seduction, his sudden passionate interest, his preference for a different mobile network (a private understanding)...and the fact that even though i may be the only woman in the world to give up anything for him, he will always be hers, and she, his.


-----i'm very happy with my own beau now. i can not risk another tumultuous phase which might destroy our relationship altogether. maybe its just because i haven't really healed from the rejection yet. i don't know.


  ---one thing i do know though, is that he will never love anyone else but her. and i will always be a friend with benefits... i will never be respected in his company, although he has tried so hard to make it SEEM that i am someone special. this will be the last time i give in to pity... and the last time i give in to my weakness of being attracted to him. no more.


.....


no more.

13 UNFRIENDLY Advices On Friendster

ONE
If you're ugly,
stop acting like you don't know it
& stop using cute nicknames.
The captions under your picture that says
"top model pose"
"sexy"
"arnt i hot"
doesn't convince anyone.

TWO
To the people who have like
over 25,000 friends, are you serious?
Nobody in this universe can keep up with
that many friends.
You're just stupid. Go play in traffic.

THREE
If you're real pretty, dont approve all
friends request
and bitching later on how u hate getting
stupid comments & messages.
You're the one who approved them in the
1st place!!
Be realistic on what u're getting into!!

FOUR
Don't ever post pictures and say
"OMG, I'm so ugly"
"OMG,I'm so fat"
because if you were, you wouldn't post
them.

FIVE
Stop posing like a japanese girl if you
don't hav da cute look!
It makes ppl think, "She doesn't
have a mirror or what??"
For guys, Don't make those bubble cheek
and poke it with a finger!
COME ON DUDE! YOU ARE A
GUY DAMN IT!!!

SIX
Making 20 bulletins a day
about how you have new pictures
and begging people to comment on
them is pathetic.
Make the bulletin once if you have to,
and those who actually care about you
will comment on your pics.

SEVEN
If all your pictures look the same,
don't post them all.
Please put some variety in your pics.
Nobody wants to see your face
10 different ways.

EIGHT
Who really cares if
I don't accept you as a friend?
MOVE ON!!!
Don't send me another request or
message asking
"what's up with you not adding me?"
I don't want you as a friend;
that's what's up!

NINE
Little 6th graders who have Friendster
and look like sluts,
go somewhere else
because nobody wants you here.

TEN
If you want to SignOut.
Dont post it in the bulletin and try to tell
everyone.
You're not taking the world with you.
Just go close the damn browser.

ELEVEN
If you have decided to read this,
you are a true Friendster that reads
bulletins.

TWELVE
I say you go and pass this on
and maybe it will finally get through
people's brains
(if they have them).

THIRTEEN
And if you open a bulletin and it says
something like
"repost this within 100 seconds or you'll
die tonite!!,"
IT'S NOT REAL!!
QUIT BEING AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!

I'm Out

it really didn't take me much time to decide that i've had enough. yes it was only a week but who cares? enough is enough. i couldn't take the constant late afternoon headaches and nausea, and the dread that swallowed me every single waking day.


the general assembly of the college of law was a great opportunity for me to personally say goodbye to the college. it seemed like i was simply a spectator, listening to the speeches, witnessing the oath-taking of the officers from different year levels, hearing the plans the student council had for the current school year...it was kinda surreal just being there. i wasn't sad at all. i'll still get to see xu. there's the annual manresa days, xu days, etc... plenty of opportunities for me not to miss my college days. i think partly why i enrolled in law is because i wasn't ready to let go of college yet. i wasn't ready to give up my everyday rountine of home - school. but now, i guess i'm finally ready to take the plunge into the corporate world...earning may be tough too...but it sure beats law.


i learned a lot of things in the very short span of time i spent with the college. i learned that determination + love of job = success. i learned how to control my temper (thank goodness i won't be seeing that girl again). i learned how to discard my onion skin. and i learned that no matter how capable i am, if its really not for me, then i will never make it. i have to stop thinking of myself as a robot who can do practically everything. i'm still human...born to make mistakes, born to be imperfect.


pop ray said he noticed a glow in me since friday. well..i guess its back to the old justine again ei?... there is something out there for me. and law is definitely not one of them.

Law School Blues

*****ever disappointed your parents?...friends?... sucks right.  but have you ever experienced disappointing yourself? big time?... nothing tops that.

*****my entrance to college was something short of a duel between me and my family. "psychology or devcom", i asked. "commerce or nursing", they replied. after being drilled everyday, i almost conceded. almost.

*****four years being a devcom student earned me continuous comments at home. i didn't mind them. i loved devcom. and my talents coincided with what devcom had to offer. no one made any comments anymore during my graduation. they were busy clapping when i stepped onstage to receive my medal.

*****relatives had gone home, adrenaline rush over...now what? i hated being idle. and that's when the idea of my childhood dream came back to me. law school.

*****up until my fourth year in highschool, i always filled up autograph books with "AMBITION: i want to be a successful lawyer someday." i really didn't know what being a lawyer meant...or what it took. i just knew it would earn me big bucks like what my brother was earning. he's a great lawyer i tell you. an inspiration.

*****it felt so priviledged to be part of this group of professional students, to be "power dressing", to be pursuing higher education... it was exciting...at first.

*****the teachers weren't my problem. most were sadists and wanted at least half of the students to be in tears after the class. i get scared easily, but i don't back down from a fight. so during class, i silently say, "bring it on".

*****no, they weren't my problem. the fear wasn't as well. it was the whole law thing. i didn't want to become a lawyer anymore. it wasn't really getting to me. i found the books very informational and interesting. i could simply read them without pressure. i don't need to be in class to learn law. the professors won't answer my questions anyway. i'm not enjoying a single minute of class. i enjoy reading the books, but class... well... i guess this really isn't for me.

*****quitting would be a snap. or so i thought. there were so many people to consider. and that was what was wrong with me. i rely too much on what others say or might say. its destroying my power to choose. a certain exasperated person told me one night, "for once in your life justine, decide for yourself, not for others. this is you, this is your happiness..." i of all people should know that. there were many instances, countless instances in fact when i went my own way. but it seemed that to things which mattered most, i look to other people for help. i allow myself to be subjected to other people's scrutiny and follow what they think is "best" for me. they say i'm weak, i say, really?...and allow myself to believe that i might be weak, although deep inside, i know i'm a figther.

*****so what do i want?... i don't know. i really want to give this up, but i'm not that type of person. i guess what he told me was true after all. i can't accept defeat, even though i suffer because of pride. i'm not good at this...and its killing me.

*****friggin hell, you know what i want??? i want to learn the law, at my own pace, sitting on my bed, eating frosted flakes, and actually digesting both the cereal and civil law. i want to teach video and evaluation of educom media at xu devcom. i want to edit videos. if i am to study again, i want to learn more about the field of communication. i want to earn money. and i want time for myself.

*****i don't want to pressure myself into something i'm simply not cut out for. and i don't want people to say that it was a waste to give up law, because its more of a waste if i continue. a waste of brain cells, eye strain, and time. i don't want people to see me as a quitter...because its a feat to turn your back on a certain priviledge and accept that no matter how capable you are in all aspects, its not for you.

*****i disappointed myself because i realized its not my line. but really...is it my fault? everything in the world is fair. i can't be good at everything. let other people fulfill their dreams with law. because probably, i just haven't realized that i've already fulfilled mine.

Back To Normal...

i'm fine now...everything's back to normal.  things are where they're supposed to be.  no more complications with that aspect of my life.  although at times, i kinda miss what i used to do...but its quite unhealthy in the long run.  so i'm thankful.  now, i can actually laugh and show a genuine smile :)  i guess now, i can truly say...i'm happy :)

a new obstacle.  work.  hahaha...  i wonder where i'll end up...

How Dare You

march 7


so this is the way its gotta be huh??? then so be it. i am tired of your friggin attitude mr.player. i have been more than generous to you and this is how you treat me??? i haven't cursed anyone in public before and i'm not gonna start now...but you sure make me itch to do so... erase everything. sige go. but you can never undo what we went through. you may deny it to your death (you're good at that too) but Lord knows what really happened. now i know why destiny didn't give you to me... i'm back to the person who really loved me unconditionally. you almost ruined that. thank God things could still be fixed. you may not have saved your relationship, but i was able to save mine. thank you for discouraging me to patch things up with him...you gave me the determination to prove you wrong. i will be forever grateful for everything you've done for me. but it ends there. may you find your inner peace and...ummm...a proper state of mind???... goodluck and goodbye.

One Last Cry video by Brian Mcknight @ VideoCodeZone.com

SHOULDA WOULDA COULDA

People said that together we were both sides of the same coin And we would shine like Venus in a clear night sky
We thought our love could overcome the circumstances
But my ambition wouldn't allow for compromise.


I could see in the distance all the dreams that we didn't make
And every choice I had to make left you on your own
Somehow the road we started down had split us under
Too late to realise how far apart we'd grown.


And how I wish I
Wish I'd done a little bit more
Now shoulda woulda coulda means I'm outta time
Shoulda woulda coulda can't change your mind
And I wonder
Wonder what I'm gonna do
Shoulda woulda coulda are the last words of a fool.


People ask how it feels to live the kinda life others dream about
I tell them everybody gotta face their highs and their lows
And in my life there's a love that I put aside Coz I was busy lovin' something else
And so for every little thing you hold onto
You gotta let something else go


How I wish I
Wish I'd done a little bit more
Now shoulda woulda coulda means I'm outta time
Shoulda woulda coulda can't change your mind
And I wonder
Wonder what I'm gonna do
Shoulda woulda coulda are the last words of a fool...


If I would never say the opportunity's a fake
I know I'm right where I belong
But sometimes when I'm not that strong...


I wish I
Wish I'd done a little bit more
Now shoulda woulda coulda means I'm outta time
Shoulda woulda coulda can't change your mind
And I wonder
Wonder what I'm gonna do
Shoulda woulda coulda are the last words of a fool.


And how I wish I... 
Wish I'd done a little bit more
Now shoulda woulda coulda means I'm outta time
Shoulda woulda coulda can't change your mind
And I wonder
Wonder what I'm gonna do
Shoulda woulda coulda are the last words of a fool.

Lower Than Low

february 23


this is by far, the saddest week of my life. i've shed so many tears already and my heart can not take another cry. i can not be hurt more than i was yesterday...it isn't humanely possible. it was the first time i couldn't stop crying...i couldn't care less of the people around me or what they thought. it was my happiness on the line. but no amount of tears can bring back what i've lost.

it was my decision in the first place. i took the risk of deciding...and now, i was left with no one. everything has fallen apart. i thought we were getting along fine, but i was left behind. i decided to return, but there was no one to return to anymore. i have already conditioned myself before that later on, i will get hurt if i continue with this nonsense. i was ready with whatever pain i would have to face.

but no amount of conditioning could level up to the pain i felt yesterday. it was tearing, slicing pain on every part of my body. my soul was frozen with hurt. believe it or not, i was numb all over. i literally could not feel physical pain. i punched the table, but couldn't even feel the cold steel hit my knuckles. i was alarmed... "what's wrong with me??? i have never experienced total physical numbness before..." 

this was huge...really huge. i was a wreck. first time in my 21 years on earth, i was a total wreck. even the mere thought of what was happening...of what i had to face later on...was enough to bring me to rivers of tears. my eyes were hurting. the bones of my upper face were painful...probably bruised from crying. i never wanted to feel this way again.


for the first time in my life, i, rebecca mary justine p. ongchua , the "strong one" in our family...didn't know what to do.

New Year...New Life...

hay naku...ang dami ng nangyari since january 2005... and its time to put everything behind us and start anew sa year 2006...
personally, i'm starting over, and i'm thankful for the new year para at least feel ko ang pag new life ko:)
how are you guys doing?... most of us are looking forward (are we really???) to march kasi nga matatapos na talaga lahat ng paghihirap natin...but at the same time, bagong paghihirap naman ang haharapin...well, that's life:)
more power sa Y2K6...